"My Leg Is Broken"

No....the McFamily isn't going through yet another medical drama. Andrew was sitting with his legs folded under him and after a little bit he stood up and I could tell by the look on his face, he was getting that prickly, leg falling asleep sensation. He had a shocked look on his face and said "Mommy, my leg is broken".

Anyway, today was a good day. We decided that even though Roy's mom's estate has settled and we should be reciving the inheiritance soon, we've decided that we're going to live in an apartment rather than rent a home until we buy a home. We've found a very nice apartment in a city called La Vergne which is about 20 minutes south east of Nashville. We've found a three bedroom apartment in a complex that was built about 5 years ago. Everything is very modern. We were even able to choose what color we wanted our walls painted. (Thank GOD, I hate white walls!!!) some of the other amenities are a 24 hour full gym, a salt water swimming pool (They say it's gentler on your skin and hair), large bath tubs, walk in closets, etc etc. One of the things I really love is the ceiling fan on the roof of our patio...it's so.....southern!

I guess the very best part of this is the 1400 square foot, 3 bedroom apartment rents for.....$760 per month. This place would easily go for 2,000 - 2,300/month in San Jose.

Rock on.

benign....

What ever that pile of crap was around the section of colon that was removed, it's NOT CANCER.

Ro is most likely getting out of hte hospital on Sunday.


I'm tired. I'm going to bed.....if I can force myself to stay up to watch Conan O'brien's last show.

Rock on.

Dilaudid, deluded, deleted

First.....this blogging software already puts the date stamp at the top of the post, so it's lame that I title my posts with the date. Doi. (I'm bringing "Doi" back in '09!)

Anyway, title: Roy's on this pain killer called Dilaudid. It's stronger than Morphine, bubba, and that's pretty much how it makes you feel. Confused, tired....deleted. He's down for the count. However, he does manage to open his eyes a few minutes here and there and smile at me, so I know he knows I'm here and he's glad.

Hey....wanna see something gross?

Heh...sorta didn't give you a choice, did I?

Watched Obama talk about his stimulus package today. (Trying to stay in touch with the outside world). I can't understand why Republicans are more than happy to give billions to banks so they can run off and host fancy shin digs, but at soon as someone suggests help for the middle class they start throwing words around like "socialist". ...eh...whatevah. I'm just glad I'm getting an extra $15.00 on my paycheck. (LOL).

Andrew was a little angel this morning. He crawled into bed with me about 5am. I had the curtians wide open and the twilight was just starting. Neither one of us were very tired, so we had a little slumber party. He had his bottle, I had mine (I keep a bottle of water on the bedside table for when I get the thirsties). It broke my heart when he asked for the millionth time "Where's daddy??" But I just reiterated that daddy's in the hospitla and the doctor is fixing his tummer. He was satisfied with that answer. So we just played and whispered little love things to each other for about an hour before we finally got up and put some cartoons on.

Anyway, here's me today.

17 February 2009

Roy's surgery was yesterday. It came after a long weekend of him fasting. His last meal was Friday night. Clear liquids, jello and chicken broth all weekend. After midnight Sunday, nothing at all, not even water. Roy wanted to go to church on Sunday but was just so week. Sunday evening our pastor, Pastor Ken came by to give a little private ministering to Roy. The three of us talked alot about all kinds of things. Pastor Ken knows how to talk in just a way that Roy needs to hear. Roy and I both think it's important to have Jesus at the center of our marriage. Having a close relationship with Jesus will not only improve us as individuals, it will make us better marriage partners and better parents.

Monday, while Roy was in surgery prep, Pastor Ken came by again to have a prayer session. It just put us in such a peaceful place. Roy was really ready for this surgery.

There were some tears as Roy was rolled into the operating room, but we both just put it in Jesus' hands. We know that we're on a path that is all part of His plan. Over the last few weeks there've just been so many signs, messages that Roy could't just write off as happenstance. He knew it was time to turn it all over to God.

The waiting was really tough. It was supposed to be a two hour surgery, but two hours turned into three...four and finally five hours. About every hour or so, one of the nurses in surgery would call me and give me an update. That was good. I spent alot of that time in quiet contemplation and prayer. Unfortunately, Roy wasn't able to wear his Lord's Prayer necklace or his wedding ring. I held on to the necklace and wore his ring.

I spent alot of time thinking about all that we've been through in our marriage thus far. We've both certainly done enough to cause permanent damage to 12 marriages. Yet our foundation is so completely unshakeable. I know that having a relationship with God and keeping Him at the center of our family will only help us repair the damage and grow stonger for each other and for Andrew.

It was pretty lonely feeling there in that waiting room. Seems I watched the full cycle of the sun through the window. Got there as the sun was not quite all the way risen, and watched a beautiful sunset at the end of the day.

Once the surgery was over, his dr. came out and gave me the run down. They took his appendix and about 6 inches of his small intestine. They took a few feet of his large intestine / colon. He said that when they removed the area of the colon that had the absess, they uncovered "a large mass" (about the size of an apple) that didn't show up on the CT scan.

A.

Large.
Mass.

Welcome to the biggest dose of harsh reality anyone could ever be given.

"Hello Mrs. McIntyre, we've just removed a mass the size of an apple from your husband's colon and we don't know if it's cancer. "

"The Mass" has been sent to the lab today and we'll have the results back Wednesday or Thursday.

I WANT THE RESULTS BACK NOW. I don't want to wait another minute. A good piece of news on that, though....his doctor really had a good feeling that it was NOT cancer. But I just want the for sure test results.

Today was a quiet day. I was at the hospital most of the day today. Roy was very doped up and slept most of the day. He's got an epidural that's slowly dripping in constant paid meds. Plus he has what we call the "turbo boost"...a button that he can use once per every 10 minutes to get an extra shot of pain meds if he needs it.

Pastor Ken came by today and....miracle of miracles, Roy accepted Jesus Christ as his savior. This is a new phase in our life that only will bring positive results. It's funny....after Pastor Ken left we were talking about everything and Roy asked "We're still going to have hot sex, right? " lol. Nothing has to change. Christians can have hot sex, and be sexy and still be crazy and everything else. it's not like we're suddenly going to be God freaks and have to pray every 10 steps we take or what ever. I just think our individual relationships with God is very private. It's no one's business if we don't feel like going to church a few sundays in a row or what ever. I mean, does anyone who knows me honestly think I'm suddently going to stop saying "Fuck".... hehe. What ever.....it's a whole new world. One in which I know Roy and I will traverse together.

It's how we get through everything.

Despite the seriousness of the past few days, I'm absolutely going stir-crazy. Trying to be a productive person for my company, which...I feel like I'm getting work done, but things are just so crazy right now, it's hard to be as productive as I want to be.... trying to take care of Andrew, worrying about Roy, living with my parents, and oh, by the way, I've got to start looking for another job and we're currently living about two hours from where I need to find a job. I've not only got to start finding a job because my current job ends March 31st, but also I need health benefits in case Roy has any complications. This could get interesting.

I feel like I'm working 3 full time jobs. Regular work, running back and forth to the hospital, worrying like crazy over Roy, trying to take care of Andrew and give him as normal a life as possible, and somewhere in there, trying to sleep.

So here I am today: going stir crazy!

11 February 2009

Today was a follow up dr. appointment for Roy. Surgery is a definite go. Saturday and Sunday he can't eat any food, clear liquids only (water, black coffee, jello, clear soda, etc). Monday morning is the surgery. Doc feels that there is too much infection for laproscoptic (sp?) sugery, so it's going to have to be "large incision", manual operation. 7-10 days recovery.

What I am praying for, obviously a successful surgery, but we're worried that there may be too much infection right now for the doc to re-attach the colon once they remove the infected part. Which means him wearing a colostomy bag for 6 months. (Basically a bag for him to empty his bowels into.) So lets all pray for that to NOT happen. For sooo many reasons!!!!

Today we had our first Thunderstorm / tornado warning. The weather was warm but the wind was blowing like Wizzard of Oz...in fact, I think I saw a little green witch riding around on a bike..then...all of a sudden the clouds opened up. I mean, it was like an ocean was falling down on us. In fact, the rain was so thick, I looked out the window and thought it was fog, but it was just a steady stream of driven rain. Amazing.

So tonight, my little boy who has been on this planet for two years and 3 months has informed me that he's not a baby, he's a big boy and as such, not only no longer requires a bath "like a baby", he's going to give himself a shower.

What's next? Shaving?

Ok...here's the daily (which I've been remiss in doing)

10 February 2009

So by now we're learning why I put "(ish)" in the title. Yeah RIGHT I'm going to write on this every day? Hahhahahha muther effing HA!!!! But it will be close enough. It's not like my life is that exciting. But what will be cool is to track the cool and interesting, and even mundane stuff that happens in my life, accompany it with pictures and then a year from new look back and remember....

Anyway... Friday wasn't looking good. Doc said no noticeable change in the infection. However, by Saturday, doc began to reverse himself in that he knew Roy was going crazy in the hospital and felt that it would be good for Roy mentally to be out for a few days to be home with his family. As well, doc wanted him to build up some nutrition before the surgery since he's lost so much weight. This is, of course, pending that his daily blood tests do not show a big elevation in white blood cells. So far so good. So, Roy got out of the hospital on Sunday....which, coincidentally was Roy's mom's birthday. He says he's felt quite a kin-ship with his mother's spirit and understanding (a little bit) of what she went through the 13 or so weeks she was in the hospital. I believe this experience has brought him quite a bit closer to his spirituality and realizing that there is something more out there than atoms and molecules.

It's why I never pressured Roy into going to church with me. God revealed Himself in a way only I could understand at the moment I needed to understand Him. I believe God is working that way in Roy's life and there's no need for any pressure to come from me. He's on the Path....just a little further back is all.

.....and it's not like I'm some God freak. I just realized a few years ago that not having God in my life is a little like being a two-legged tripod. I don't go to church every sunday, nor do I feel the need to bash anyone over the head to join my church. My relationship with God is just that. Mine. If you want what I've got, you can ask me, otherwise, I believe everyone is on a path that is a personal choice, and while it is a Christian tenet to testify and bring others to the Lord, but if there's any "failing" in Christianity, it's not in the Message, nor even the Messenger, it's in His followers. Man has done enough damage to Christianity to last a life time. I believe now is the time for Christians to tread lightly. To let their lives, their actions and their attitudes be their testimony. To lead by example. To, as the bible says, stop worying about the splinter in their neighbor's eye and take care of the log in their own.

[/diversion]

so anyway, Roy has another Dr. apt tomorrow and there'll be another CT Scan to see what's happening with the infection. Barring any wackiness, surgery is sometime early next week.

Rock on my baybeeeeees.

06 February 2009

Not a great day. Roy isn't able to come home. The doctor said that there has been no noticeable change in the level of infection. NONE? He's had three very strong antibiotics given intravaneously for five days and they didn't have any inpact on the infection???? His Dr wants to operate this weekend to remove the infected part of the colon, and since there is such a large portion of the colon infected, they aren't able to do the laproscoptic type. They need to make a large inscision and go in manually. 7 -10 day recovery. He's already chewing his paw off trying to get out of there.

Part of this Project365 thing that I was reading about, you are supposed to take a picture of yourself every day, so you can see how you've changed.

If you think I look absolutely wrecked....you are absolutely right. Here's me at about 11pm tonight. Up at 6 am (after tossing and turning all night) Andrew off to day care, at the hospital with Roy from 9 - 2:30. Talk with doctors, go with him for CT Scan and somewhere in there put about 4 hours of work in. Over to daycare to pick Andrew up, home around 3, chase after andrew and play with him, try and give him some sense of "normalcy". Do about 400 loads of week-long neglected laundry, visit with neighbors, try to act normal, like I'm not worried sick out of my head. Dinner w/ family and then back to hospital to try and convince Roy he doesn't have cancer, even if I'm not sure myself, back home, finish Andrew's bath, Lord's Prayer, decide not to take a shower till the morning, even though I haven't had a shower since Wednesday. Yep, that was my day.

Here's Roy and Andrew today:

Andrew's handling it ok. He knows that Daddy is at the "ho-pee-tal" getting his tummy fixed by the doctors. Every once in a while he forgets and starts crying for daddy and it just breaks my heart. These two are best friends and neither one of them can stand being away from each other.

Tune in tomorrow....

05 February 2009

Day one. I just got this wild bug up my butt to do this. Even if no one else reads it but me, it will be interesting to see what a year in my life looks like, day after day.

What's happening right now? Well, let's see.... We decided to pack everything up, leave the only home we've ever known (northern California) and drive out to Tennessee where my family lives.

We left 12 January and got here 17th January, driving through AZ, NM, TX, OK, LA, AL, MI to get here. The beginning of the trip, through Oklahoma, we follwed Route 66 and stopped off at alot of funky old towns and crazy souvineer shops and other odd roadside attractions.

We decided to stay with my parents until we found a place to rent. We'd rent for a year and then buy a house once Roy's mom's estate settles.

That was our plan.

Then of course, as always, just when "you" have a plan, you find out "Someone Else" has a plan and He sorta overrules any plans you may have.

God is definitely handing us a moment.

After a few days of abdominal pain that we just thought was muscle strain from lifting heavy boxes/furnature, we finally headed into the ER. A CT scan revealed that Roy has a very painful condition called Diverticulitis with abscess. Basically, the colon has become inflamed and infected. Normally one would be treated with some antibiotics and be fine. However, Roy has a pretty serious case of it, the doctor can't entirely rule out colon cancer since both symptoms mimic each other and he will require surgery to remove the infected part of the colon, and then they can biopsy it to test for cancer.

Welcome to Tennessee.